My husband and I lost our jobs together. Here's how we learned to navigate unemployment and each

• In 2014, my husband and I were laid off within six weeks of each other. I eventually wrote a memoir about it.
• We learned a lot about ourselves — and what not to do while unemployed together — during that time.
• Some of our biggest takeaways were to accept our differences and use each other as resources.

When my husband, Rich, and I lost our jobs within six weeks of each other, we quickly realized this wasn't one of those occasions where the phrase "misery loves company" applies. 

While we could certainly commiserate and share worries about finances and our professional futures, we soon discovered that there were plenty of areas where our views did not align. From our initial reactions to receiving our proverbial pink slips to our approaches to job hunting, we found ourselves butting heads more than we ever had before in our 15 years as a couple. And because we were spending more time together, tensions escalated.

If you find yourself and your partner between jobs simultaneously, here are six things I learned about keeping a relationship intact while getting your career back on track.

Accept that you may have different reactions

When Rich returned home on the day he'd been let go, his mood was downright celebratory. He'd stayed at the same financial news organization for 18 years — far longer than he'd intended — because, up until then, it had been secure and provided generous benefits. 

Still, each leg of his commute was 90 minutes door-to-door, and opportunities for promotion were slim. He was burned out. So when he was told his department was restructuring and his role eliminated, Rich saw it as the push he needed to start looking for something new. 

Six weeks later, amid a large-scale downsizing, I lost my job as an editor at a local online news company. I was devastated. I'd been in that position for less than two years, and to even get there, I'd submitted to rounds of job interviews that dragged on for months and a grueling four-hour writing and editing test.

While I was in mourning thinking about the colleagues, contacts, and paychecks I'd miss, Rich, who'd received a severance package, felt nothing but relief. 

It creates a strange energy in the home when one person is overjoyed and the other is very down. What I learned is that job loss affects everyone differently, and it's important to respect each other's feelings — recognizing that any reaction you have to these unsettling circumstances is valid and OK.

Don't be surprised if others react differently, too

Throughout the pandemic, we've seen women's contributions to the workforce devalued. Unfortunately, I was aware of this long before COVID arrived. 

When Rich and I told friends, family, and neighbors that we were both out of work, their reactions varied depending on which one of us they were addressing. For example, if Rich shared that he'd lost his job, most were shocked and offered to share his resume with their network. Many expressed concern about our finances and his self-esteem. When I mentioned that I'd also been let go, the same people said, "Now you have more time to spend with the kids!" 

While it obviously wasn't my husband's fault that people reacted this way, it was hard not to become resentful. It was also impossible not to wonder: Why did others assume my career and compensation weren't just as valuable? 

But I would soon learn that this said more about them than it did about me. When you're already down about your job loss, it's important to remember that.

Don't force your job-hunting style on your partner

With each passing day, the worry about finding a new position consumed me. The only thing that eased my anxiety as we sped toward the edge of a financial cliff was scrolling through job boards, reaching out to recruiters, and firing off resumes to as many suitable openings as I could find.

I expected Rich to do the same; that wasn't the case. He'd been tied to a computer from one end of the day to the other for nearly two decades. He had no intention of combing through career sites. Instead, he opted for networking in the form of old-fashioned phone calls and face-to-face meetings. 

As much as I wanted to insist that he apply to many of the openings I'd found in my search, I learned over time that it was better to respect each other's approach, knowing that the end result — landing a job — was what really mattered.

Use each other as resources

Because Rich and I had worked in similar fields, a lot of our skills overlapped. This allowed us to support each other when it came to proofreading resumes, tailoring cover letters to specific openings, and sprucing up our LinkedIn profiles. 

Even if you're job searching with different backgrounds, there are plenty of ways to work together. In today's virtual world, Zoom interviews can be daunting. Use your partner to practice by conducting mock interviews both in-person and online. Then, together, evaluate what went well and which aspects need improvement. 

If you need a new headshot, let your partner take it. This saves the expense of hiring a professional and may even result in a better photo, as you're more comfortable with the person behind the lens.

If you can help it, don't allow unemployment to consume your life

Job loss takes a mental and emotional toll. It's a good idea to set boundaries so that it doesn't bleed into every aspect of your life. Establish times when the topic of unemployment is off-limits. For example, decide that you're not going to talk about your job search before your morning coffee, during dinner, or after 8 p.m. 

After months of job hunting, Rich and I began asking each other, "Can I talk to you about this now?" or, "Do you want my advice?" before offering our opinions. It served as a way to respect each other during a period when we were both feeling vulnerable.

As pandemic lockdowns have taught us, too much togetherness can put a strain on even the best relationships. Similarly, simultaneous unemployment forces you into a lot of togetherness. Maintaining outside interests and friendships provides a healthy diversion and a great way to avoid obsessing about your circumstances 24/7.

Consider your backup plan

When one person is unemployed and the other is working, you have a bit of a cushion. When both people are between jobs, it can feel completely overwhelming. There's a temptation to bury your heads in the sand and hope for the best rather than face the grim reality that it may be a while before you're both back to work full-time.  

With that in mind, it's important to take stock. Key questions include:

• When will your unemployment or severance package run out?
• What will you do for healthcare?
• What expenses can you cut?
• How long will your savings keep you afloat before you have to make significant changes to your lifestyle?

As painful as it is, you need to consider your backup plan. As Rich's severance package neared its end, he took a part-time job to pad his resume and keep money coming in. I pursued as much freelance work as possible for the same reasons. We cut costs and weighed our options: Would we have to sell our house? Withdraw from retirement accounts early? With three kids, we couldn't couch surf at friends' places until our situations turned around. 

Fortunately, we found full-time work before we had to take drastic measures. But we still look back at that period with apprehension and gratitude that we made it through — together.

Liz Alterman's memoir, Sad Sacked, chronicling the lengthy period she and her husband spent job hunting, was released by Audible Original on Nov. 11, 2021.

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