8 signs the person you're dating is still hung up on their ex

The idea that your partner might not be over their ex isn't exactly one that most people would want to think much about.

Though you might not want to admit that you see potential signs that your partner isn't over their ex, many of them aren't exactly subtle, Mark Stevens, author of "Evidence of Love," told INSIDER. And once you see them clearly, it might be difficult for you to continue to move forward pretending that you don't.

We rounded up some big signs that the one you love may still be hung up on their ex. 

1. You can tell that their mind is somewhere else.

If your partner doesn't seem to be fully present with you when the two of you are spending time together, that's one potential sign that they might be thinking about someone else.

Though being preoccupied doesn't necessarily mean that they're not over their ex, it could. Stevens said that you can feel the distance between the two of you, even though you're physically together. He added that it's because they're "always with that ex" mentally, even though they're likely no longer always with their ex physically.

2. They're always ready to defend their partner when they come up in conversation.

"If someone constantly feels the need to defend their ex, specifically at times when their ex isn't the center of conversation it could mean that they aren't quite over them," Weena Cullins, LCMFT, a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist and relationship expert, told INSIDER.

They might not go out of their way to defend the ex, particularly when there's no reason to do so.

3. They try to bring them up in conversation.

Not only does your partner want to defend their ex, but they also look for reasons to talk about them. "It's like he wants to talk about her, but he can't talk about her to you without a non-threatening reason," Stevens said. "So he tells anecdotes. And the anecdotes look like they're designed to tell you things about great restaurants or great vacations or whatever, but they're really just so he can talk about her because he wants to talk about her because we all want to talk about people that we love."

It might not always be obviously about that person — their ex — but that person is always a part of the story.

4. They won't commit to you.

If your partner seems to be dragging their feet when it comes to committing to you and your relationship, that too could be a sign that their past isn't fully in the past.

"This can be a major red flag due, in large part, to the nature of where it's coming from," Tara Vossenkemper, MA, LPC, ACS, a therapist and the founder and clinical director of The Counseling Hub, told INSIDER. "For example, if your partner has a problem with commitment, but it's unrelated to past baggage in relationships, then it's not about an ex. However, if your partner says that their lack of commitment is from being "burned" in the past, then you can guess it has to do with an ex. And, obviously, they're not over it. A person who has been able to heal from a breakup is able to reconnect with another partner. If somebody is unwilling or unable to do so, then it means that they don't want to heal, don't know how to, or that they think there's still a chance with the ex."

It's hard to sort out the exact reasoning for why your partner might be having a difficult time with commitment, and it might not actually have anything to do with their ex, but as Vossenkemper said, if they allude to the fact that they're hesitant because of how a past relationship played out, that could mean that the relationship is something they might be still trying to get over.

5. They try to establish traditions with you that they started with their ex.

When two people have been in a relationship for a while, they're bound to settle into routines and form new traditions. Traditions, routines, and celebrations help people connect with one another. But forcing old traditions on new relationships can be a sign that your partner isn't fully over their ex, even if you thought that they were.

"If your partner keeps trying to get you to do very specific things and then saying things like, "That's what me and [ex] used to do," then you need to take pause," Vossenkemper said. "Building new memories with your partner is different than recreating memories you used to have with an ex. One is meaningful and organic. The other is sad and full of baggage."

6. They won't enforce (or create) boundaries with their ex.

It's important to set boundaries with exes, but if your partner isn't quite over their ex, it might be difficult (or impossible) for them to do so.

"If someone refuses to create boundaries between them and their ex, especially at the request of a new love interest, it could definitely indicate that they aren't quite over their ex," Cullins said. "Despite breaking up, some partners who haven't moved on will not create new boundaries for fear that it will reduce any residual contact they still have with their ex."

7. Their pictures are still all over social media.

Your partner doesn't need to delete all evidence that they've ever dated anyone else, but if the photos that they choose to leave on social media are romantic shots, that could be a red flag. Cullins said that while group shots and things of that nature might be OK, lovey-dovey couple shots could mean that they haven't been able to move on.

8. They go out of their way to contact them.

"If someone makes excuses to reach out or bump into their ex long after the relationship has ended it's likely that they are not over them," Cullins said. "They may be looking for closure or to reconnect, but in either case they are still drawn to their ex."

Feeling the need to be in touch with them no matter what means that something isn't fully settled there. It might not mean that they're still in love with the ex, but it still might mean that they haven't gotten over them.

If you notice that your partner seems to be exhibiting signs that your partner isn't over their ex, the first thing you should do is check in with yourself about the relationship, Vossenkemper said. "Ask yourself whether you see something long-term with this person or if it's meaningless and fun," she added. "Ask yourself how much you want to invest in the relationship."

If you're hoping that the relationship will move forward, you need to talk to your partner about what's going on. "Don't be afraid to ask thoughtful questions about their behavior because it might help them come to terms with the reality that they haven't moved on," Cullins said. "If a person insists that they are over their ex but their actions continue to create discomfort, think critically about how emotionally safe the relationship is. If it will be difficult to live with the current boundaries (or lack thereof) it might be a good option to hold off on a serious commitment until you're certain the person's heart is fully available."

Stevens said that he thinks people have to go through "the puddle of pain." It's not something you want to wade into, but you'll be better for it.

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