'Trickle truthing' is the gray zone of lying here's how to know if you should forgive your partn

Publish date: 2024-07-18

A term popularized online, "trickle truthing" is when you gradually reveal the truth after being caught, usually through lots of questioning. While often referred to on TikTok and Reddit in the context of cheating, it can come up in many scenarios and relationships, according to Theresa DiDonato, a professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland.

Here's why some people fall into this lying gray area — and whether a relationship can be salvaged afterward. 

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At its core, trickle truthing is about fear: There's a reason someone is trying to omit the truth.

DiDonato told Insider that the dynamic of trickle truthing could be found in insecure attachment styles, particularly when one person is avoidant and the other is anxious.

She said that in secure relationships, partners are more comfortable acknowledging mess-ups. But with someone who is more anxiously attached, she said, "even silly mistakes, things that aren't a big deal, might be hard to reveal because they are in a state of concern and threat that their partner might abandon them."

Similarly, an avoidantly attached person may try to hide the truth — even over something relatively small — because they fear friction.

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If you've experienced trickle truthing from a partner, it can understandably shake your trust in them, especially if you don't know why they lied.

DiDonato said trickle truthing was "itself an effort to either protect the self, the relationship, or the partner."

For example, if you're knowingly cheating and hiding it because you didn't want your partner to break up with you, you're concerned with yourself. But if you texted something benign to an ex when you worried your partner would have an issue with it, you could be trying to protect their feelings, or the relationship itself, by not telling them.

Regardless of intention, this dynamic is unsustainable in the long run: Eventually, your partner will probably figure out you went behind their back and feel (justifiably) hurt. Even if you didn't cheat, it'd be hard to convince someone who already caught you in one lie that you're now telling the full truth.

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Depending on the situation, trickle truthing can be an important growing pain for a relationship. 

In partnerships, "you have both implicit and explicit agreements with your partner about what is appropriate relationship-related behavior," DiDonato said. "So when you transgress in some way, owning it can be hard if you don't have an established, healthy pattern of how to manage conflicts."

Without solid communication, trickle truthing will most likely happen again, because the fear will still be there. If you suspect a partner's motives for trickle truthing were about preserving the relationship, DiDonato suggested laying the groundwork for a stronger partnership in the future by assuring them that you're open to hearing the full truth and won't immediately leave when you hear it.

As for the person doing the trickle truthing, DiDonato said it helped to have a plan for fessing up: "Do it in a timely fashion, but when you know you have your partner's attention." Tell them what happened and, if applicable, ask them what you can do to make it right.

Being transparent when your instinct is to avoid conflict isn't an overnight change. That's why DiDonato recommends practicing with low-stakes issues, like if you accidentally break your partner's favorite mug.

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If you get into the habit of telling the truth more freely over small things, she said, it'll get easier to talk to each other about bigger problems.

Correction: April 17, 2023 — An earlier headline for the story misstated Theresa DiDonato's profession. She is a psychology professor, not a therapist.

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